France's reverse culture shock is another challenge of trips back home

I have never felt so much at home in my life as I do now living in France.

This means that I am never happy to go ‘back home’ to the UK because, in fact, it does not feel one bit like home anymore. 

Knowing we would soon have to return, I decided to come up with a strategy to lessen the pain of it. 

Of course, it is wonderful to see my immediate family after a long gap – my granddaughter is now 12 years old, and these are precious years. 

However, Peter and I feel that our time is now our own, and France is where we want to see out the rest of our days.

Time to adjust

It works both ways. When you first move to France, there is an initial period of adjustment – learning who to address as vous and who as tu, deciding whether to faire la bise or not, and a whole range of other subtle changes in everyday social behaviour. 

When you return to your former country, you must remember to temporarily unlearn these new habits which have become second nature after a period of living in France. You may not be prepared for the ‘reverse culture shock’. 

Mixed identity

It would be so easy to assume that things will be exactly as they were before you moved to France. 

You can bask in the glory of speaking your native language all day, eat as many local dishes and familiar treats as your waistline permits, and relationships will be there to pick up where you left off. 

But – quelle surprise – people have moved on and they have done so without you. 

This does not mean they do not want to see you, but they may view you as some kind of curious hybrid – neither fully French nor fully British/American/Dutch/Australian, etc. 

Home is where the heart is

I know for certain that my heart is in France, and that I return to the UK with an increasingly strong level of resistance. Going back can also stir up difficult emotions. 

Family dynamics may resurface with alarming speed, and you may even find yourself feeling lonely despite being surrounded by familiar faces. 

Recriminations 

Some people may tell us we are lucky to have moved abroad, and that we clearly enjoy a perfect French life. 

What these people fail to realise is that you make your own luck. You took a leap of faith to move. 

Some people stay stuck in the same place and routine for an entire lifetime. Why? Because they are just too scared to take the plunge as you did. They prefer to poke holes and may even guilt-trip you about leaving behind family in the UK. 

Relationship reevaluation

Friends may expect you to slot back seamlessly into their lives, but those days have gone forever – for you anyway. 

Your world has shifted. You are an emotionally richer and more rounded person for having embraced a completely new way of life abroad. 

You cannot, nor should you, tie yourself into knots to try to fit in with a part of your life that is over and done with. 

Be careful what you share

By all means be open about your French life, but you do not have to give people every last detail, nor ammunition with which to vent frustrations. 

An example from my own life: I am completely staggered by how good the French healthcare system is compared to the crumbling NHS. 

My beloved older brother, who lives in the UK, is suffering from Parkinson’s disease and is going downhill fast. Despite this, he has been waiting for two years to see a neurologist. 

I am shocked to the core, but the most insensitive and crass thing I could do is to bang on about how wonderful things are in the French system. Be judicious about what you share.

Tips for surviving trips back home

• Limit how long you plan to stay and stick to it.

• Be selective about who you want to see.

• Enjoy what you can during your stay and discard the rest.

• Do not let yourself be bullied into activities that no longer hold any interest.

• Remind yourself that this stay shall pass and you will soon be back in your true, adopted home.

How do you cope with going back home? Please write to cynthia@connexionfrance.com and share your thoughts and strategies.