I moved to France for a better life – so why do I feel like a failure?

I moved to France imagining a simpler, more enjoyable life. Yet lately I find myself dreading invitations from friends. One couple has a beautiful stone farmhouse with a pool and guest cottage. Another has renovated a huge village house that looks as though it belongs in a magazine. Meanwhile, my home is perfectly comfortable, but much smaller and less impressive. I know I should be grateful, but every time I visit these friends, I come home feeling as though I have somehow failed. I compare my kitchen to theirs, my garden to theirs, even my lifestyle to theirs. I worry that other people judge me for not having achieved the same level of success. How can I stop feeling inadequate?

What you are experiencing is extremely common. The uncomfortable truth is that comparing our lives against other people’s lives rarely disappears just because we change countries. If anything, it often becomes more intense.

In expatriate communities, houses can become a visible symbol of achievement. They are easy to compare, easy to photograph and impossible to ignore.

However, a large house is not a reliable measure of success, happiness or fulfilment. 

What you are seeing is one aspect of your friends' lives. You are not seeing their mortgage payments, maintenance costs, family worries, health concerns or private disappointments.

Every household has challenges that visitors never know about.

It is also worth asking yourself what exactly you feel you are lacking. Is it genuinely a bigger house? Or does the house represent something else – security, status, financial freedom or a sense of having "made it"?

Often the object itself is not the real issue.

Try a simple exercise. Make a list of everything your current home gives you that you value: comfort, affordability, manageable upkeep, a convenient location, a welcoming atmosphere or treasured memories.

Many people with larger properties would happily trade some of their square footage for lower bills and less responsibility.

Be careful about assuming others are judging you. Most people are far more preoccupied with their own lives than with the size of someone else's kitchen.

Your friends invite you round because they enjoy your company, not because they wish to compare floor plans.

Finally, remember that homes are for living in. The warmest, happiest gatherings often take place around small tables in modest rooms. Long after people forget the size of a house, they remember how they felt inside it.

Measure your life by the quality of your relationships, experiences and peace of mind, not by the number of bedrooms owned by people you know. That is a comparison you can actually win.