My husband wants ‘French’ cooking
Columnist Cynthia Spillman helps a reader to encourage her spouse to take a more collaborative attitude
Men can be encouraged to share the culinary load with their wives with joint cooking or by attending classes
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Dear Cynth,
We have lived in France for two years. I have never been a keen cook, and my husband has always known this. However, he has suddenly become very demanding and critical because I “cannot cook like a Frenchwoman”.
This is really beginning to get me down and it is causing arguments. Just because I live in France, why should I be expected to conform to the so-called norm? I work full-time and come home late and the last thing I want to do is to concoct some sort of fancy feast. Please help me.
I am sorry that this issue is causing you pain. I think this is more about your husband’s expectations than whether or not you cook like a Frenchwoman. He appears to have fallen in love with the cultural stereotype tied to family identity, tradition and gender roles.
There is nothing wrong with not enjoying cooking. Not every single woman, French or otherwise, enjoys it, and why should they? We are living in the 21st Century. Many intelligent, capable women do not like it. That does not make them a failure!
What exactly is he upset about? Does he miss his childhood dishes? Does he believe that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach?
Is he worried you are going to have friends round for dinner, make a hash of it and cause him embarrassment? These issues need to be identified and discussed in a civil way.
Given that this is 2026 and not 1950, you could encourage him to share the culinary load with you. You could order in ready-made meals of high quality. He could agree to cook at the weekends. You could cook together.
Can he even cook? If so, why not ask him to patiently teach you a few simple dishes. Perhaps you could both join a cookery class.
Remember that you are not auditioning for MasterChef. We are blessed in France with markets that sell the most delicious fresh produce. You could learn how to cook a few basic meals simply by watching some YouTube tutorials.
Tell him you are not his mother and you do not like the notion of being controlled. However, emphasise that you do care about him and his needs. Here, the important word is ‘compromise’.
This means that you both make an effort. The last thing you want is for your kitchen and dinner table to become a war zone. Reframe it as teamwork. Honest communication is essential. Bon appétit!
