Tips for surviving and thriving as a blended family in France
Columnist Cynthia Spillman gives her advice for living in harmony as a step-parent
Working through any emotional baggage in the family is its own challenge, particularly in a foreign language
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“And they all lived happily ever after,” as the fairytale goes.
Note the italics, because when you are a step-parent – the term I am using to describe someone who enters into a new long-term relationship with someone who already has children – it is a tough job, even in the very best of cases.
I have been a step-parent for more than 23 years and it has taken a huge amount of effort and work on myself, and by both of us on our relationship, to achieve any kind of equilibrium.
We all have emotional ‘baggage’ – you and your partner arrive in the relationship along with your personal wounding, and that of your progeny.
Blended families in France
The proportion of children living in stepfamilies in France has been stable for 20 years.
Some 22% of children live with a single parent, 7% with a parent and a step-parent, and a further 12% of those whose parents are separated split their time between both parents, according to the Union nationale des associations familiales (Unaf).
Everything I am about to say applies to all blended families – although the challenge could be even greater if you have a partner who originates from a different part of the globe, because there could be a culture clash regarding expectations as to what is acceptable behaviour, customs, and habits, among other things.
Troubleshooting
Decide what is important: the health of your relationship with your partner, or the time-limited surge of power that comes from being ‘right’ about ‘the baggage’.
Is it not better to be happy than right? If not, you risk stirring up a tsunami of raw emotion and end up driving yourself and your partner into that crazy-making, hideously familiar emotional dead end.
Then you risk beating your head against the wall –and repeating this all over again, expecting different results.
I dedicate a chapter in my book, From Dinner Date to Soulmate – Cynthia Spillman’s Guide to Mature Dating, on how to live with baggage.
Read more: Comment: My new French passport poses all sorts of questions about self and identity
Good communication is vital
It is important to engage in mutually respectful dialogue with each other.
Communicate openly and honestly.
Communication is key in any relationship, but it is especially important when navigating cultural differences and can be exacerbated even further if one of you is not speaking their native language.
Perhaps there are some areas where you will never agree, but compromise is essential.
If discussions get heated, it can be helpful to air your feelings in an email or letter. Write it – then wait before having another look, amending if necessary before sending it.
What enrages you initially might be less of an issue when you have calmed down.
Agree boundaries for when the children are in the house and what consequences you can enforce if these are not respected. Obviously, it will depend on the ages of those involved.
Note what you have agreed, so that there is no room for disagreement downstream. I once heard a great saying: “When co-parents disagree on parenting issues, they are both wrong.”
The first step in navigating cultural differences is to learn as much as you can about what is behind your partner’s way of thinking.
Look after yourselves
Take care of yourselves physically and emotionally – this means both of you having time out to decompress.
It does not necessarily have to be professional help. Perhaps meet up with a trusted friend in a similar situation – venting your spleen can be therapeutic.
Women might find this easier than men, but I would encourage both partners to confide in a safe person.
If a professional is required, do not wait – the days of stigma being attached to such things are thankfully behind us.
Pamper yourself to replenish your emotional and physical resources.
Read an uplifting book or watch a funny film. It is surprising how easily we forget to do simple things to help ourselves.
Plan special time for just the two of you – a weekly date night can be fun, help you regain perspective, and remind yourself of why you decided to be in this relationship.
Tips for harmonious living
Blood is thicker than water, so do not put your partner in the position of having to choose between you or their children.
- Keep your expectations reasonable;
- Acceptance, wisdom, and flexibility are key to comfortable blended living;
- Walk away from any drama;
- A good relationship takes effort;
- Show your partner regularly that you appreciate them.
Please share your experiences and feedback on this topic via cynthia.spillman@connexionfrance.com.
Do you have a problem associated with living in France? Email our new advice column at askcynth@connexionfrance.com. Any letters selected for publication will be anonymised.
Cynthia will endeavour to reply to all correspondence.
