Letters: 22 (satirical) French principles every foreigner should know

To the Editor,

Following the recent articles in The Connexion relating to the requirement to agree to the principles of the French Republic, I would like to offer some additions that I am surprised have not been included.

Read more: French residency card changes: what is meant by Republican principles?

Revised principles of the French Republic:

• If an administrative task is set, that can be digitised and or made more efficient, it must be insisted that it is handwritten in triplicate. It must then be processed as slowly as possible, to cause as much nuisance to the sender as possible.

• All French residents must own at least one four drawer filing cabinet to contain all the paper that will be received annually. A mobile filing cabinet will be necessary for visiting doctors or administrative offices.

• If anything is done incorrectly, complete deniability must be ensured

• If involved in an activity that requires people to wait, at no time must an indication of how long the wait could be, should be provided.

• If providing information to the general public, especially via the internet, all methods of actually conversing or contacting an individual must be hidden, in order that they can never be used. 

• If providing any service, at no time must this service be provided at the promised time and never finished within the agreed period. 

• If there is any occurrence that is unpleasant, even if good reason for it is given, a protest must be started and, where possible, include those that have no idea why they are protesting. 

• Everything that is cooked and eaten must have at least one element of cheese with it, especially if the recipe does not include cheese 

• Use the same word for as many different meanings as possible, rather than creating a more concise and easier to understand word. 

• If providing parking spaces to visitors or the public, these must be no larger than will fit a small French car. 

• Where diversions to a route are required, the initial sign must be clearly visible and then all further signage must be hidden or not erected. 

• When driving on rural roads without a line in the middle, the driver must continue on the opposite side of the road. 

• When driving on rural roads with a white line in the middle, at least two wheels must be on the opposite side of the road at all times to prevent a following vehicle from passing and also to cause concern to oncoming traffic. Only at the very last minute should the vehicle be returned to the correct side of the road.

• When driving around blind bends on rural roads, it is mandatory that these are approached on the wrong side of the road and if in possession of a mobile phone, this must be in one hand and placed against one’s head. 

• If in possession of a small white van, especially an old Citroen Visa van, it must be kept in a condition that is dangerous and not fit for use, but a local garage should be found and persuaded to provide a contrôle technique. Whenever possible, this vehicle should be overloaded.

• At lunchtime it is mandatory that all residents drive home to eat and drive back to work two hours later, and then protest about the price of fuel and the effect of climate change. 

• All shops and customer facing businesses should remain closed at times of the day or days of the week when they are most likely to be required. 

• Businesses and shops should never open or reopen at the times stated. This should be delayed by at least 15 minutes.

• If engaged in an activity where products can be purchased, no discount or encouragement to purchase large quantities shall be offered or given.

• Any request, instruction or complaint, preferably hand written by quill and the envelope sealed by wax, that is not received by registered post, must be ignored and no contact with the sender must take place advising them of their error.

• Rules relating to gardens including height of bordering hedges, use of lawnmowers during certain times of the day etc, must only apply to foreigners. Locals are exempt for all such rules but must ensure non-French neighbours adhere to them.

• If owning a dog, it is mandatory that it bark throughout the day to cause as much nuisance as possible and roam around the neighbourhood without any restrictions, especially into other people’s gardens.

Nigel A. Park, by email

Do you have any more 'principles' to add to this list? Let us know via letters@connexionfrance.com