Why do members of my family mock my life in France?

I have an awful problem with my family back in the UK. Every time I mention our life in France, I am met with sour looks and acid comments. I find this so unfair. How can I deal with it? A.E.

Cynthia says: When other people put us down or are nasty to us, it says everything about them and nothing about us. 

Unfortunately, we are powerless to change others, but we can change how we react to them. You are doing nothing wrong in telling your family about your French life. Indeed, why shouldn’t you? You have worked hard to make your dream come true, and now you are living in a way that suits you, where you want to remain. 

Alas, some family members suffer from a bad case of the green-eyed monster. You have had the courage and the stamina to turn your dream into reality. So many people do not bother to put in the effort because they are scared of change – even if the status quo is miserable. 

I have experienced this in my immediate family and I know how hurtful it is. 

I appreciate you may not wish to just cut off your UK family and go “no contact”. However, you do not need to be reduced to a state of infantile fear and afraid to open your mouth in their presence. 

Challenge your family

You could limit what you tell them and, when they do make an unpleasant remark, you could choose to ignore it or ask them calmly what they mean. 

Admittedly, the latter course of action carries some risks, as tempers may flare. 

However, by challenging them calmly you might find that they are mortified and back right down, causing them to think twice about ever doing it again. 

Are they the sort of people who would be too embarrassed to be nasty in the company of others? If so, ensure that a friend or your partner is present when you visit the offending family members. 

My mother once made a very caustic remark to me at a family gathering. My husband very politely asked her to repeat her comment and she was so annoyed, but also embarrassed, that she never dared do it again. 

Finally, if they are reasonable people, you could explain to them how hurtful their remarks are. They may not be aware of just how much their negativity is affecting you. 

Explain to them that if such an attitude continues, you will have to limit or even abandon future visits to them. At the end of the day, family or not, abuse and put-downs are never acceptable, and you do not have to tolerate it.